Vermont

So this poor little blog has been grossly neglected over the past four months. I am sure you have all given up on me, but to be quite honest, right now I'm glad to be writing just for me. I'm am very out of practice of thinking about my life. I have been far too busy living it as of late, and as a result feel bizarrely disconnected from myself. Since returning from Europe I have spent a month in WI with my family, had a minor surgery, returned to Portland, lived with my friend Neyssa all summer and babysat her little boy Amadi while packing up my entire five years of life, had a garage sale, taken a few last hikes in the Gorge, spent a long glorious day on the Oregon coast with Kimberly, hugged all my dearest friends goodbye a thousand times, had a few good long cries, packed up my car, and driven accross the entire country to Vermont. Why? Well, I would also like to know. There are lots of different ways of making decisions in life. Sometimes you just make an assessment and pick the best option. Sometimes you ask God and wait for an answer. And sometimes God grows in you a strange illogical discontent, a premonition of some sort, that you ignore as long as you possibly can until He tackles you to the ground and says, "Ask me why" and you do and He immediately answers with something entirely absurd and scary, but you feel peaceful and sure and you say "um, ok."

So here I am. Sitting in my $5 garage sale rocking chair in Stowe, VT. I hear geese out there and see red, yellow, orange and green treetops from an above-a-barn apartment I share with my cousin Chelsea. Had I written this anytime in the past month I would say "I am so so happy." But if I felt the same way now I would most certainly be doing something other than trying to dig around for what is making me feel so strange. I'm really really starting over arn't I? A weekend seems so long. I dont know anyone to call for Saturday morning brunch. But its good. Its good to be alone. I have avoided it by plowing my way through Lost season 3 in my every spare second, but it is over now. Last night I dreampt that Ben was after me and woke up with my heart pounding out of my chest. I guess thats what I get.

So, here I am, 27, a girl from a large city in a large state living in a small town in a small state. And I clean houses. And its good for now. And there are so many big white farm houses that make me daydream my days away. And I have a closet full of fabric. And I still have dreams. And while I scrub the floors of millionaires I will be asking God which ones to follow.